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The 17 best & funniest Ted Lasso quotes

Nisanth V Easwar
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Ted Lasso Season 3 Jason Sudeikis
AppleTV+
Ted Lasso is famous for its brilliant characters and their lines - here are some of the best and funniest quotes from the series

Popular sports comedy-drama television series Ted Lasso takes the viewers into the life of an American football coach who is hired by an English soccer team called AFC Richmond, which competes in the Premier League.

💻 Watch Ted Lasso on Apple TV+ now!

The hit series now has three seasons with a total of 34 episodes for fans to enjoy. Season 3 dropped on March 15, 2023 and is now available to stream.

The protagonist of the show, Ted Lasso, is played by Jason Sudeikis, while AFC Richmond captain Roy Kent is portrayed by Brett Goldstein.

The Ted Lasso series is famous for its script, memorable characters and their dialogues. GOAL is here with the best and funniest quotes from the Ted Lasso series so far!

Editors' Picks

  1. 'Diamond Dogs are a group of people who care!'
    Apple TV+

    'Diamond Dogs are a group of people who care!'

    Roy: Who the f*** are the Diamond Dogs?

    Ted: It's just a group of people who care, Roy. Not unlike folks at a hip-hop concert whose hands are not in the air.

    Season 1, episode 8

  2. 'I believe in Rom-Communism'
    Apple TV+

    'I believe in Rom-Communism'

    Ted: "I believe in Communism. Rom-communism, that is. If Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan can go through some heartfelt struggles and still end up happy, then so can we."

  4. 'Locker rooms like my mother's bathing suits'
    Apple TV

    'Locker rooms like my mother's bathing suits'

    Ted: "When it comes to locker rooms, I like 'em just like my mother's bathing suits. I only wanna see 'em in one piece, you hear?"

    Season 1, episode 4

  5. 'Ronaldo and the fellow who bends it like himself'
    Apple TV

    'Ronaldo and the fellow who bends it like himself'

    Reporter: "Can you even name any footballers?"

    Ted: "Well, yeah, you got Ronaldo and the fellow who bends it like himself."

    Season 1, episode 1

  7. 'Offside rule is like pornography'
    Apple TV

    'Offside rule is like pornography'

    Ted explains the offside rule in football: "I'm gonna put it the same way the US Supreme Court did back in 1964 when they defined pornography. It ain't easy to explain, but you know it when you see it."

    Season 1, episode 2

  8. 'I don't want to hear Woody Allen playing clarinet'
    Apple TV

    'I don't want to hear Woody Allen playing clarinet'

    Ted to Roy after a poor performance: "You beating yourself up is like Woody Allen playing the clarinet. I don't wanna hear it. All right?"

    Season 1, episode 9

  9. 'Taking on a challenge is like riding a horse'
    Apple TV

    'Taking on a challenge is like riding a horse'

    Ted on taking up the job as head coach at AFC Richmond: "Taking on a challenge is a lot like riding a horse, isn't it? If you're comfortable while you're doing it, you're probably doing it wrong."

    Season 1, episode 1

  10. 'Go out like Willie Nelson'
    Apple TV

    'Go out like Willie Nelson'

    Ted: "Our goal is to go out like Willie Nelson — on a high!"

    Season 1, episode 6

  12. 'We ended up in a pool of Sour Patch kids'
    Apple TV

    'We ended up in a pool of Sour Patch kids'

    Ted describing his feeling after his new signing turned out to be impressive: "I feel like we fell out of the lucky tree and hit every branch on the way down, ended up in a pool of cash and Sour Patch Kids."

    Season 1, episode 6

  13. 'Red baseball cap at Planned Parenthood fundraiser'
    Apple TV

    'Red baseball cap at Planned Parenthood fundraiser'

    Ted: "I haven't seen someone that disappointed to see me since I wore a red baseball cap to a Planned Parenthood fundraiser."

    Season 2, episode 1

  14. 'I shouldn't bring an umbrella to a brainstorm'
    Apple TV

    'I shouldn't bring an umbrella to a brainstorm'

    When Ted and his group were figuring out how to motivate their star player Dani Rojas.

    Nathan: "If Dani needs motivation, we could always just show him his goddamn paycheck."

    Ted: "I mean, that's a tad aggressive, you know. But hey, I shouldn't bring an umbrella to a brainstorm, so I appreciate you getting the ball rolling, Nate."

  15. 'Godless place called Santa Monica'
    Apple TV

    'Godless place called Santa Monica'

    Sharon: "That's very thoughtful, Coach Lasso. But I don't eat sugar."

    Ted: "Really? Wow. I've never met someone who doesn't eat sugar. Only heard about 'em, and they all live in this godless place called Santa Monica."

    Season 2, episode 2

  17. 'Do the right thing!'
    Apple TV

    'Do the right thing!'

    Ted's response to Sam Obisanya, who took a principled stance against a shirt sponsor: "Doing the right thing is never the wrong thing."

    Season 2, episode 3

  18. 'I love meeting moms'

    Ted Lasso, after meeting Rebecca's mom: "Boy, I love meeting people's moms. It's like reading an instruction manual as to why they're nuts."

    Season 1, episode: 6

  19. 'I like my water like Kyrie Irving likes his Earth'
    Apple TV

    'I like my water like Kyrie Irving likes his Earth'

    Ted's hilarious reference to Kyrie Irving's flat-earth argument that had gone viral: "I like my water like Kyrie Irving likes his Earth. Flat."

    Season 2, episode 8

  20. 'You are more mysterious than David Blaine'
    Apple TV

    'You are more mysterious than David Blaine'

    When Dr Sharon says she can't talk about her day at work, Ted replies: "You are more mysterious than David Blaine reading a Sue Grafton novel at Area 51."

  22. 'Ain't nobody here gonna kiss their sister'
    Apple TV

    'Ain't nobody here gonna kiss their sister'

    Ted: "Look, we are not playing for a tie. Ain't nobody here gonna kiss their sister... which is an American phrase that I'm now realising does not exist here, and that's good, 'cause it's creepy, and I hate it myself, I don't know why I said it."

    Season 1, episode 10